“Our plan was always to have a baby, but our path certainly wasn’t a straight line.”
Our next patient story is from Rachael. Rachael’s journey to motherhood has not been an easy one. After undergoing several unsuccessful rounds of IVF, Dr. Miller advised Rachel to consider using an egg donor. In her story, Rachel describes the process she and her husband went through to choose an egg donor and what advice they would give to others in her situation. Rachael’s story has a happy ending- she is now pregnant and due with a baby boy in February!
Rachael writes:
To say that our journey was a difficult one is an understatement.
I was 34 years old when we wanted to start our family. After six months of trying on our own, we met with Dr. Miller. Testing and medication followed, and we eventually discovered – after finding out I had a diminished ovarian reserve, as well as confirming that I had a unicornuate uterus – that IVF was a route we needed to take. We diligently went to work ordering medication, setting up appointments, and saying so many prayers. Unfortunately, our first round failed. We just kept thinking, “This is it!” only to find ourselves back at square one.
When I met with Dr. Miller for our follow-up consult, he had another plan to try again. Upon leaving our meeting, he told me, “Stick with me, Rach! Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Knowing this was true, and knowing we had faith in our doctor, we trudged ahead and kept going. What followed were an additional five rounds (some stopped before retrieval), further testing and added medication, laparoscopic surgery, and the need to put on more weight in hopes that it would help my egg quality.
After several additional rounds of IVF and additional embryos from said rounds that didn’t take, our insurance plan was running out of options for us to keep moving forward. Dr. Miller advised us not to do the egg retrieval with my own eggs at that point and suggested turning to an egg donor. We were absolutely heartbroken. We knew that this was a real possibility, but the news was hard to take in. We were at the end of stimulation injections, and my body just wasn’t cooperating (which had happened during another of our previous cycles). Knowing my track record, Dr. Miller was concerned that this round would not work and then we’d really be out of options with my insurance. We converted the round to an IUI, but it didn’t take. A month later we transferred the one frozen embryo we had (insurance would still cover that), but we were left with a negative result.
We were angry, frustrated, and beyond depressed. We knew it was no one’s fault (I had to keep reminding myself that I did nothing wrong), but we couldn’t understand why it was happening. We did absolutely everything we possibly could to have a positive outcome, but were left with nothing but grief. You know everyone means well when they offer their condolences, but there are times when IVF is an incredibly isolating experience.
A few months later, we met with Dr. Miller again to discuss using an egg donor. He answered all our questions and felt optimistic about this new plan. When we were ready, we contacted an agency to get information. Later that fall, we chose our egg donor and started to feel more optimistic ourselves. Our donor went through the testing process and started some medication. We had psychological evaluations to make sure that everyone was in the right state of mind to go through this process, and we met with a lawyer to go through the contingencies of everything.
Our donor finally had her egg retrieval in February; we received 48 eggs (which was incredible!), and out of the 48, we had 17 embryos to freeze. We couldn’t quite sync up cycles, so we worked toward an April transfer, but then that got canceled due to me catching COVID-19. We were finally able to complete our transfer in May, and at the end of the month we received our first positive pregnancy test! I’m due in early February with a boy and am currently 18 weeks along (for a frame of reference, I am now 39 years old).
Moving forward, we have 16 embryos at our disposal. Besides some days where I didn’t feel great in the first trimester, my energy has bounced back in the second trimester and I feel pretty good! We’re really looking forward to the future and still cannot believe that we’re on the other side after years of wondering “what if?”
It was a long, difficult four-and-a-half years to get to this point. There were so many tears, early morning appointments, and hours upon hours of frustrating phone calls with insurance and pharmaceutical companies. There were so many pregnancy announcements by friends and family. There were so many times when we felt raw, numb, and alone. But on the other hand, we had hope. We had a strong support system, and we had a caring doctor who genuinely wanted the best for us. Dr. Miller’s staff was so kind and offered me hugs on more than one occasion when we received bad news. We learned to give into the unknown (something difficult for us teachers to do) and trust that we were doing everything we could.
If I can offer advice, I’d stress the importance of learning to pivot. Our plan was always to have a baby, but our path certainly wasn’t a straight line. We had to adjust the details of our dream, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll be any less of parents than we would have if things had worked with my genetics. Our dream could still be a reality, but adjustments were needed. Keep the end goal in mind: if it’s to have a child, understand that what that means might look different than what you anticipated when you started the journey.
If you find yourself in need of an egg donor (or sperm donor, if that’s the issue), I’d encourage you to take your time and go through the process when you’re ready. Don’t try to look for yourself in the pool of applicants; you won’t be there, and that’s okay. When we first got information from the egg donor agency, they encouraged us to not pay as much attention to pictures, but to focus on the information: we examined their health history and that of their relatives; we listened to their reasons for being a donor; we screened applications for the possibility of twins and triplets (given my unicornuate uterus, multiple births at one time was not considered a viable option); we also poured over their previous donor cycles to see what kind of success they had.
In the end, we chose someone who looked happy. She genuinely wanted to help other people conceive and assisted others in that goal already. The agency (and Dr. Miller’s office) couldn’t say enough good things about her, which was really reassuring. Besides matching my ethnicity, she does not look like me, but I’m keeping in mind that our boy very well may look more like my husband than the donor. If he doesn’t, that’s okay, too. This was something I had to learn to get comfortable with before we officially went through the donation process.
There are times when I look back at the last few years and the pain comes crashing back, and I’d be lying if I said it was easy to move on from my genetics. However, at the end of the day, the goal is to have a baby, and I learned that it is still possible if my genetics are no longer an option. This could be a path for you, too.
We would also encourage you to let people in and have a support network. My husband and I did not always want to talk about our struggles, but knowing we could speak with family and friends was helpful (and there are other support groups if you aren’t getting the support you need from those around you, too). Even though most of the people you know might not “get” the struggle you’re going through, it’s important to remember how many people are in your corner. You’re going to feel alone. You’re not.
Keep the faith. We’re rooting for you!