Patient Story: Kelly
“I’ve walked in your shoes, I see your fight. Keep going.”
Today marks the beginning of an exciting new series featuring our patients. They will be sharing personal stories that will give you hope, make you smile and bring happy tears to your eyes.
Our first story is from Kelly. She is the proud (and very new) mom of a baby boy. Kelly’s story has a happy ending, but it was a long and challenging path to get there. After going through years of infertility, Kelly became an infertility support group leader. Her group meets virtually once a month. Follow her @thesomewaymama for more information.
Kelly writes:
To My TTC Warriors in the Heart of Your Battle,
I’d like to think that I’m a polite person, so naturally after we walked away from our first appointment with Dr. Miller in September of 2018, I thanked him. He replied, “Don’t thank me until your baby is here.” This back and forth went on for years – “Thank you, Dr. Miller!” “Don’t thank me yet, Kiddo!” On day 1,663 of our time together, I was finally able to receive a gracious and supportive response from him as we welcomed our baby boy (yes, I counted the days of our often silent fight). I use the term, “fight” because if you’re reading this now, you know the roller coaster ride of infertility is truly just that – a fight.
For those of you in the thick of it, I see your pain, your grief and heartache. And although I am now a mom to my baby boy via a gestational surrogate, I will never forget the combat it took to get here. I will also say that I would go through every tear, early morning appointment, procedure, 2 week wait, heartbreak, blood draw, injection, ultrasound, sleepless nights and constant waiting by the phone a million times over if it meant bringing me to my baby.
I’m here to tell you to keep going. Refuse to take no as an answer and be relentless in your fight to become a parent. When I was told gestational surrogacy would be our best route to parenthood in 2020, I used that as fuel on my fire to become a mom. I made myself unstoppable and I want to encourage you to do the same.
I leave you with this. When they say: “Just you wait!” I say: I see you waiting. The two week wait, the constant waiting by your phone for next steps, the wait to begin treatment, the wait to let your body heal both physically and mentally.” I promise the “wait” you have been warned about when your baby arrives will be the best and biggest gift you will ever receive.
They say: “Get ready for sleepless nights.” I say: Those sleepless nights pacing your home full of worry will be replaced with sleepless nights full of happiness, joy and love you didn’t know was possible.
I’ve walked in your shoes, I see your fight. Keep going.
Thank you to Dr. Miller and every staff member who truly touched our lives and made our dreams come true.
Surrogacy and Egg & Sperm Donation- What You Should Know From a Legal Perspective
Finding out you may need to use a surrogate or a egg or sperm donor to build your family can be a confusing and overwhelming time. Not only do you need to think about how the medical aspect will work, but there are legal matters to consider as well.
We asked Meg Ledebuhr, Partner Attorney at the Midwest Fertility Law Group, a few questions about the legal aspects of surrogacy and what you should know before beginning the process.
Q: We have decided to use a surrogate. What steps do we need to take before beginning the medical process?
A: Once a prospective surrogate or intended parent has decided to commit to surrogacy, the next steps are to decide what type of surrogate they will pursue and the specific professionals they will work with.
Intended Parents can proceed with one of two types of surrogacy arrangements: traditional and gestational. In traditional surrogacy, the surrogate is also the biological mother of the child she carries. Her egg is fertilized using sperm from the intended father or a donor using intrauterine insemination. In gestational surrogacy, the child is not biologically related to the surrogate. The embryo is instead created using an egg from the intended mother or a donor and sperm from the intended father or a donor using in vitro fertilization. Once the egg is fertilized in the laboratory, the embryo is transferred to the surrogate.
If Intended Parents and the Surrogate already know each other and determined they are a good fit, they can utilize a surrogacy attorney to complete the legal work and a mental health professional to complete the mental health screening. If Intended Parents and the Surrogate need matching services, they can work with a surrogacy agency to provide matching, in addition to other case management services.
After the Intended Parents and Surrogate have decided to proceed, the clinic will begin the medical screening process.
Q: What do I need to know about surrogacy contracts?
A: Each party to the surrogacy arrangement must first obtain their own attorney (although the intended parent will pay the legal fee for the surrogate’s attorney) and negotiate a contract describing their arrangement. The role of a legal contract is to: (1). Memorialize Intent (2). Deal with contingencies in pregnancy and (3). Allocate risks and rights and responsibilities of the Parties.
There are certain issues that must be covered in any surrogacy contract. The following are points that are regularly addressed when drafting the contract:
(i). The Law of the State
All parties must agree to follow the specific procedural requirements in order to validate a contract and all steps necessary to complete proper parentage paperwork. It is wise to detail these steps in a contract so all parties have an expectation of what will be required of them.
(ii). Identify Medical Providers
Specifically name the IVF clinic, IVF physician, obstetrician and anticipated delivery hospital.
(iii). Medical Process and Number of Cycles to be Attempted
The contract should contain an overview of the medical process. Parties also generally agree to work together for three (3) embryo transfers for a period no longer than 18 months. The number of embryos to be transferred each cycle is also addressed.
(iv). Medical Autonomy
Surrogacy agreements must balance the Gestational surrogate’s right to medical autonomy, while addressing the Intended Parent’s desire to make medical decisions concerning the fetus. At a minimum, the agreement should detail all health precautions each Party agrees to follow before and during the embryo transfer and after a pregnancy has been confirmed.
(v). Parental Obligations
The Intended Parents agree to accept any resulting children, notwithstanding congenital abnormalities, defects, or health problems. This parental obligation should consist of custody and a promise to support the child regardless of the personal or marital circumstances that exist between the Intended Parents at the time of birth.
The surrogate agrees to surrender all parental rights, if any, and to surrender custody of the child to the intended parents at birth.
(vi). Understanding of Risks Involved and Indemnification
The contract should contain a clause regarding an understanding of the medical and psychosocial risks involved and an indemnification clause to insulate the attorneys and parties from liability.
(vii). Abortion and Selective Reduction
This is one of the most crucial areas in matching surrogates and intended parents. It is imperative to do everything possible to make sure all parties are in total agreement on serious decisions like selective reduction and termination of a pregnancy.
(viii). Payment of Prenatal and Birth Expenses
The agreement will provide that the Intended Parents pay for all out-of-pocket medical expenses of the surrogate. Sometimes the contract provides that the surrogate will be paid a monthly allowance of approximately $200 which will be used to cover co- pays, mileage, and other miscellaneous expenses.
(viv). Compensation
Every agreement should contain a statement that any payment to the gestational surrogate is not payment for the child him or herself, as the child commodification (or baby-buying) is illegal in every state in the United States. Payment provisions should specify the exact amount of payments being made, whether they are contingent on certain events and when each payment will be earned. For a compensated arrangement, the gestational surrogate will often be entitled to base compensation, which is a set fee the gestational surrogate will earn for attempting to carry the child to term. Most agreements provide ten (10) equal monthly payments, commencing at fetal heartbeat and ending at delivery.
Q: What happens if we are using a donor egg or donor sperm?
A: For individuals and couples deciding to have children, sperm donation, egg donation and surrogacy are increasingly popular options. These methods are an effective way to create a family, but certain legal implications need to be understood.
In most cases, when an anonymous sperm or egg donor donates their gametes to an egg or sperm bank, or directly to an IVF clinic, they sign a form releasing them from any parental rights or responsibilities for any child born through their donation. Therefore, when you receive anonymous sperm or eggs from a clinic or gamete bank, the legalities are usually taken care of.
However, if you want to use an egg or sperm donor that you know or one selected by you through a matching entity, you will need to enter into an egg or sperm donation agreement. These agreements are essential because they establish the parties’ intentions and expectations with respect to the donation and, depending on your individual circumstances, the agreement will be important to obtaining a court order securing your legal relationship to your child.
Q: What is second parent adoption?
A: “Second-parent adoption” is when a parent who is not biologically related to the child adopts the child in order to establish or confirm legal parentage. This ensures the parental rights of the non-biological parent are recognized regardless of where the family travels or resides. LGBTQ parents cannot currently rely on recognition of their adult relationships (e.g. marital, civil union or domestic partnership presumptions) as the basis for recognition of their relationships with their children.
“Second-parent adoption” is when a parent who is not biologically related to the child adopts the child in order to establish or confirm legal parentage. The second-parent adoption procedure ensures that the parental rights of the non-biological parent are recognized regardless of where the family travels or resides. LGBTQ parents cannot currently rely on recognition of their adult relationships (e.g. marital, civil union or domestic partnership presumptions) as the basis for recognition of their relationships with their children. Second-parent adoption in Illinois is a very efficient and cost-effective way for parents to establish an independent legal relationship with his or her child that does not depend on recognition of her/his relationship with her/his spouse/partner.