Patient Story- Julia
“This is why you keep fighting; so that you can have peace. Whatever outcome will bring you peace, that is what you fight for.”
Julia is a patient that our office has known for quite some time. She recently welcomed her third baby boy and we have enjoyed getting updates and pictures throughout the years. A seasoned IVF veteran, Julia has been through it all and yet she is incredibly candid about her experience. This openness has led her to volunteer to answer calls for the Resolve support line twice a month. While there aren’t many calls, she is so grateful when she gets to speak to someone and give them some hope. We are so grateful that Julia has shared her story.
She writes:
The other day, I took my two older boys to the fire station open house. It was absolutely packed, it seemed like everyone from our town was there. I looked around at all of the children, moms, dads, siblings, grandparents, etc. and had a moment of self-doubt.
“I don’t belong here,” I thought to myself. “This event is for families.”
As if on cue, my middle son reached up to hold my hand, and my older son ran ahead and called out for me. “MOM! This way, follow me!”
I was instantly brought back to reality, my feelings of insecurity disappearing and belonging restored. I am a mom (of three boys!), and I DO belong at family events, school drop-off, parent-tot classes, parks and baby pools, and in the club that is Parenthood.
The lingering grief and pain of infertility can rear its ugly head at the strangest moments, like it did that Saturday morning. I remember the feeling of fear so well; the fear that I would never become a mom. I know all too well how painful the treatments and the unknowns are as I fought long and hard for my boys. However, I also know the peace that comes from a dream achieved. I want to instill hope in anyone who has that fear and pain, who is in the throes of fertility treatment, who is struggling with self-doubt and the unknown.
I have three beautiful and healthy boys. They are almost perfectly spaced apart; 2.5 years. From the outside looking in, we are a very typical family. And in most senses, that is correct – except for how our family was created.
We waited four years for our first son. I worked for one year with my ob-gyn and Clomid. I then had six stimulated rounds with my first fertility specialist and one miscarriage. When I met Dr. Miller, I had two more failed IVF rounds before we chose to use a donor egg. I had a polyp removal surgery. I did three trial cycles to determine the optimal window for an embryo transfer. We lost our first donor due to poor response to stimulation while I was on hormones alongside her. With our second donor, my first transfer was a blighted ovum that ended in two separate D&C surgeries. After extensive blood work, I was diagnosed with MTHFR, a genetic blood-clotting disorder that can affect implantation.
On November 9, 2016, my 13th cycle, I became pregnant with my first son.
Charlie was cycle 13. James was cycle 15. John was cycle 16.
I share the details of my journey not to overwhelm you, but to give you strength. Maybe your journey will be shorter than mine. Maybe it will be longer. It often felt daunting, hopeless at times, and never-ending. I remember the receptionist at Dr. Miller’s office pulled out my file. It looked like several copies of the Yellow Pages stacked on top of each other. During one of my meetings with Dr. Miller, he put his hand on top of that file and said, “Julia. We haven’t been through this much, for you to not get pregnant. I WILL get you pregnant.” I trusted him and pushed forward despite the fear and pain.
This is why you keep fighting; so that you can have peace. Whatever outcome will bring you peace, that is what you fight for. And you will know when that time comes. People ask me how I did it. They want to know how I managed the appointments and driving, the shots and tests, the physical side effects and emotional trauma, the disappointment and the grief.
I tell them the truth; you just do it. You have to keep going so that you can have your peace.
I promise that the grief and fear will fade with time. It might make an appearance here and there after you have achieved your dream, but that is just a little bit of PTSD from the journey. It will fade. You will hold your little miracle, you will walk with your child at the fire station open house, or into that parent-tot gym class, or to the first day of preschool, or story hour at the library and you will belong. You will feel peace.
Believe in Dr. Miller. Believe in his nurses, the ultrasound techs, the phlebotomist, his entire staff. Throw in some prayers, push forward, and wait for your time to come.
Patient Story- Rachael
“Our plan was always to have a baby, but our path certainly wasn’t a straight line.”
Our next patient story is from Rachael. Rachael’s journey to motherhood has not been an easy one. After undergoing several unsuccessful rounds of IVF, Dr. Miller advised Rachel to consider using an egg donor. In her story, Rachel describes the process she and her husband went through to choose an egg donor and what advice they would give to others in her situation. Rachael’s story has a happy ending- she is now pregnant and due with a baby boy in February!
Rachael writes:
To say that our journey was a difficult one is an understatement.
I was 34 years old when we wanted to start our family. After six months of trying on our own, we met with Dr. Miller. Testing and medication followed, and we eventually discovered – after finding out I had a diminished ovarian reserve, as well as confirming that I had a unicornuate uterus – that IVF was a route we needed to take. We diligently went to work ordering medication, setting up appointments, and saying so many prayers. Unfortunately, our first round failed. We just kept thinking, “This is it!” only to find ourselves back at square one.
When I met with Dr. Miller for our follow-up consult, he had another plan to try again. Upon leaving our meeting, he told me, “Stick with me, Rach! Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Knowing this was true, and knowing we had faith in our doctor, we trudged ahead and kept going. What followed were an additional five rounds (some stopped before retrieval), further testing and added medication, laparoscopic surgery, and the need to put on more weight in hopes that it would help my egg quality.
After several additional rounds of IVF and additional embryos from said rounds that didn’t take, our insurance plan was running out of options for us to keep moving forward. Dr. Miller advised us not to do the egg retrieval with my own eggs at that point and suggested turning to an egg donor. We were absolutely heartbroken. We knew that this was a real possibility, but the news was hard to take in. We were at the end of stimulation injections, and my body just wasn’t cooperating (which had happened during another of our previous cycles). Knowing my track record, Dr. Miller was concerned that this round would not work and then we’d really be out of options with my insurance. We converted the round to an IUI, but it didn’t take. A month later we transferred the one frozen embryo we had (insurance would still cover that), but we were left with a negative result.
We were angry, frustrated, and beyond depressed. We knew it was no one’s fault (I had to keep reminding myself that I did nothing wrong), but we couldn’t understand why it was happening. We did absolutely everything we possibly could to have a positive outcome, but were left with nothing but grief. You know everyone means well when they offer their condolences, but there are times when IVF is an incredibly isolating experience.
A few months later, we met with Dr. Miller again to discuss using an egg donor. He answered all our questions and felt optimistic about this new plan. When we were ready, we contacted an agency to get information. Later that fall, we chose our egg donor and started to feel more optimistic ourselves. Our donor went through the testing process and started some medication. We had psychological evaluations to make sure that everyone was in the right state of mind to go through this process, and we met with a lawyer to go through the contingencies of everything.
Our donor finally had her egg retrieval in February; we received 48 eggs (which was incredible!), and out of the 48, we had 17 embryos to freeze. We couldn’t quite sync up cycles, so we worked toward an April transfer, but then that got canceled due to me catching COVID-19. We were finally able to complete our transfer in May, and at the end of the month we received our first positive pregnancy test! I’m due in early February with a boy and am currently 18 weeks along (for a frame of reference, I am now 39 years old).
Moving forward, we have 16 embryos at our disposal. Besides some days where I didn’t feel great in the first trimester, my energy has bounced back in the second trimester and I feel pretty good! We’re really looking forward to the future and still cannot believe that we’re on the other side after years of wondering “what if?”
It was a long, difficult four-and-a-half years to get to this point. There were so many tears, early morning appointments, and hours upon hours of frustrating phone calls with insurance and pharmaceutical companies. There were so many pregnancy announcements by friends and family. There were so many times when we felt raw, numb, and alone. But on the other hand, we had hope. We had a strong support system, and we had a caring doctor who genuinely wanted the best for us. Dr. Miller’s staff was so kind and offered me hugs on more than one occasion when we received bad news. We learned to give into the unknown (something difficult for us teachers to do) and trust that we were doing everything we could.
If I can offer advice, I’d stress the importance of learning to pivot. Our plan was always to have a baby, but our path certainly wasn’t a straight line. We had to adjust the details of our dream, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll be any less of parents than we would have if things had worked with my genetics. Our dream could still be a reality, but adjustments were needed. Keep the end goal in mind: if it’s to have a child, understand that what that means might look different than what you anticipated when you started the journey.
If you find yourself in need of an egg donor (or sperm donor, if that’s the issue), I’d encourage you to take your time and go through the process when you’re ready. Don’t try to look for yourself in the pool of applicants; you won’t be there, and that’s okay. When we first got information from the egg donor agency, they encouraged us to not pay as much attention to pictures, but to focus on the information: we examined their health history and that of their relatives; we listened to their reasons for being a donor; we screened applications for the possibility of twins and triplets (given my unicornuate uterus, multiple births at one time was not considered a viable option); we also poured over their previous donor cycles to see what kind of success they had.
In the end, we chose someone who looked happy. She genuinely wanted to help other people conceive and assisted others in that goal already. The agency (and Dr. Miller’s office) couldn’t say enough good things about her, which was really reassuring. Besides matching my ethnicity, she does not look like me, but I’m keeping in mind that our boy very well may look more like my husband than the donor. If he doesn’t, that’s okay, too. This was something I had to learn to get comfortable with before we officially went through the donation process.
There are times when I look back at the last few years and the pain comes crashing back, and I’d be lying if I said it was easy to move on from my genetics. However, at the end of the day, the goal is to have a baby, and I learned that it is still possible if my genetics are no longer an option. This could be a path for you, too.
We would also encourage you to let people in and have a support network. My husband and I did not always want to talk about our struggles, but knowing we could speak with family and friends was helpful (and there are other support groups if you aren’t getting the support you need from those around you, too). Even though most of the people you know might not “get” the struggle you’re going through, it’s important to remember how many people are in your corner. You’re going to feel alone. You’re not.
Keep the faith. We’re rooting for you!
Patient Story- Courtney
“Keep going even when it feels like you can’t… The little victories will give you strength.”
Today’s patient story is from Courtney. Courtney discovered she had endometriosis when she and her husband were not able to conceive naturally after several months of trying. After undergoing surgery with Dr. Miller, she was able to get pregnant via IVF and just welcomed a baby boy only three weeks ago! Congratulations Courtney!
Courtney writes:
My husband and I began trying to conceive in late 2017. While at my yearly gyno appointment in May 2018, I mentioned we were trying to conceive. I was told to track ovulation with an app and/or pee sticks and go from there. My period had always been like clockwork and I learned that my ovulation was too. I maybe had heavier/more painful periods but nothing that ibuprofen and a heating pad couldn’t fix. My gynecologist did an internal ultrasound and noticed that one ovary was dense, leading her to believe that I might not ovulate on that side, however my pee sticks indicated that I did.
We ended up getting pregnant on our own in the summer of 2019, but that ended in a miscarriage (D&C) as there was nothing in the sac. I then had the dye test to see if my tubes were blocked and they were not. I also did 3 rounds of clomid with no pregnancy. This was the end of the road with my regular gynecologist as she couldn’t help me any further.
I then went to another gynecologist in my hometown to move onto IUIs. He did a natural IUI with no luck. Then we tried a medicated (clomid) IUI with no luck either. During this process, he did an internal ultrasound and that’s when I first learned I possibly had endometriosis. He referred me to Dr Miller.
I had laparoscopic surgery with Dr. Miller in Feb 2021 for endometriosis. We decided to try surgery before an egg retrieval, because Dr. Miller thought he could clean me out and then we could try to conceive naturally or with clomid as he didn’t think the endometriosis was as bad as it turned out to be. However, during surgery he found stage 4 endometriosis on my ovaries and appendix. He removed my appendix and did what he could on my ovaries in order to preserve them for IVF.
After my surgery, Dr Miller said that the endometriosis had been there for quite awhile because the cysts were so fixed to my ovaries. He said he did what he could to minimize the cysts but he couldn’t get rid of them fully because that would ruin good ovarian tissue for IVF. After I’m done having kids, I can have another surgery to fully clean me out.
It was invaluable to have Dr. Miller as my surgeon and fertility specialist. The entire time he was focused on the goal at hand- to have kids. I felt comfortable during the process that he knew what to do during surgery to make it possible for me to have kids.
After surgery, we started preparing for IVF and I had my egg retrieval in July 2021. We ended up with 4 well graded, untested embryos after retrieval. My first FET (frozen embryo transfer) was in September 2021 and unfortunately ended in a chemical pregnancy. Shortly thereafter, we did another transfer and I gave birth to my son, Leo, on August 11.
Going through infertility takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. Here are a few pieces of advice I would give to other women dealing with infertility.
- Keep going even when it feels like you can’t do/go anymore. The little victories will give you strength. For example, the recovery from retrieval was brutal for me, but when we found out we got 4 embryos, I felt like I could do it all over again.
- Ask for help and allow help from others. I am the most organized person out there but I had to have my husband take the reins on the meds because it was all too much for me. I never prepared, mixed, set up, or gave myself one shot!
- Don’t change your lifestyle. Dr Miller never once told me what to eat, drink, do, or not do. Working out was limited with retrieval and FET, but that was the extent of it.
- Take the month off and go on vacation. Dr Miller wrote in my message on the portal that this was a must! You have to continue to live your life as best as possible!
Patient Story: Kelly
“I’ve walked in your shoes, I see your fight. Keep going.”
Today marks the beginning of an exciting new series featuring our patients. They will be sharing personal stories that will give you hope, make you smile and bring happy tears to your eyes.
Our first story is from Kelly. She is the proud (and very new) mom of a baby boy. Kelly’s story has a happy ending, but it was a long and challenging path to get there. After going through years of infertility, Kelly became an infertility support group leader. Her group meets virtually once a month. Follow her @thesomewaymama for more information.
Kelly writes:
To My TTC Warriors in the Heart of Your Battle,
I’d like to think that I’m a polite person, so naturally after we walked away from our first appointment with Dr. Miller in September of 2018, I thanked him. He replied, “Don’t thank me until your baby is here.” This back and forth went on for years – “Thank you, Dr. Miller!” “Don’t thank me yet, Kiddo!” On day 1,663 of our time together, I was finally able to receive a gracious and supportive response from him as we welcomed our baby boy (yes, I counted the days of our often silent fight). I use the term, “fight” because if you’re reading this now, you know the roller coaster ride of infertility is truly just that – a fight.
For those of you in the thick of it, I see your pain, your grief and heartache. And although I am now a mom to my baby boy via a gestational surrogate, I will never forget the combat it took to get here. I will also say that I would go through every tear, early morning appointment, procedure, 2 week wait, heartbreak, blood draw, injection, ultrasound, sleepless nights and constant waiting by the phone a million times over if it meant bringing me to my baby.
I’m here to tell you to keep going. Refuse to take no as an answer and be relentless in your fight to become a parent. When I was told gestational surrogacy would be our best route to parenthood in 2020, I used that as fuel on my fire to become a mom. I made myself unstoppable and I want to encourage you to do the same.
I leave you with this. When they say: “Just you wait!” I say: I see you waiting. The two week wait, the constant waiting by your phone for next steps, the wait to begin treatment, the wait to let your body heal both physically and mentally.” I promise the “wait” you have been warned about when your baby arrives will be the best and biggest gift you will ever receive.
They say: “Get ready for sleepless nights.” I say: Those sleepless nights pacing your home full of worry will be replaced with sleepless nights full of happiness, joy and love you didn’t know was possible.
I’ve walked in your shoes, I see your fight. Keep going.
Thank you to Dr. Miller and every staff member who truly touched our lives and made our dreams come true.
Surrogacy and Egg & Sperm Donation- What You Should Know From a Legal Perspective
Finding out you may need to use a surrogate or a egg or sperm donor to build your family can be a confusing and overwhelming time. Not only do you need to think about how the medical aspect will work, but there are legal matters to consider as well.
We asked Meg Ledebuhr, Partner Attorney at the Midwest Fertility Law Group, a few questions about the legal aspects of surrogacy and what you should know before beginning the process.
Q: We have decided to use a surrogate. What steps do we need to take before beginning the medical process?
A: Once a prospective surrogate or intended parent has decided to commit to surrogacy, the next steps are to decide what type of surrogate they will pursue and the specific professionals they will work with.
Intended Parents can proceed with one of two types of surrogacy arrangements: traditional and gestational. In traditional surrogacy, the surrogate is also the biological mother of the child she carries. Her egg is fertilized using sperm from the intended father or a donor using intrauterine insemination. In gestational surrogacy, the child is not biologically related to the surrogate. The embryo is instead created using an egg from the intended mother or a donor and sperm from the intended father or a donor using in vitro fertilization. Once the egg is fertilized in the laboratory, the embryo is transferred to the surrogate.
If Intended Parents and the Surrogate already know each other and determined they are a good fit, they can utilize a surrogacy attorney to complete the legal work and a mental health professional to complete the mental health screening. If Intended Parents and the Surrogate need matching services, they can work with a surrogacy agency to provide matching, in addition to other case management services.
After the Intended Parents and Surrogate have decided to proceed, the clinic will begin the medical screening process.
Q: What do I need to know about surrogacy contracts?
A: Each party to the surrogacy arrangement must first obtain their own attorney (although the intended parent will pay the legal fee for the surrogate’s attorney) and negotiate a contract describing their arrangement. The role of a legal contract is to: (1). Memorialize Intent (2). Deal with contingencies in pregnancy and (3). Allocate risks and rights and responsibilities of the Parties.
There are certain issues that must be covered in any surrogacy contract. The following are points that are regularly addressed when drafting the contract:
(i). The Law of the State
All parties must agree to follow the specific procedural requirements in order to validate a contract and all steps necessary to complete proper parentage paperwork. It is wise to detail these steps in a contract so all parties have an expectation of what will be required of them.
(ii). Identify Medical Providers
Specifically name the IVF clinic, IVF physician, obstetrician and anticipated delivery hospital.
(iii). Medical Process and Number of Cycles to be Attempted
The contract should contain an overview of the medical process. Parties also generally agree to work together for three (3) embryo transfers for a period no longer than 18 months. The number of embryos to be transferred each cycle is also addressed.
(iv). Medical Autonomy
Surrogacy agreements must balance the Gestational surrogate’s right to medical autonomy, while addressing the Intended Parent’s desire to make medical decisions concerning the fetus. At a minimum, the agreement should detail all health precautions each Party agrees to follow before and during the embryo transfer and after a pregnancy has been confirmed.
(v). Parental Obligations
The Intended Parents agree to accept any resulting children, notwithstanding congenital abnormalities, defects, or health problems. This parental obligation should consist of custody and a promise to support the child regardless of the personal or marital circumstances that exist between the Intended Parents at the time of birth.
The surrogate agrees to surrender all parental rights, if any, and to surrender custody of the child to the intended parents at birth.
(vi). Understanding of Risks Involved and Indemnification
The contract should contain a clause regarding an understanding of the medical and psychosocial risks involved and an indemnification clause to insulate the attorneys and parties from liability.
(vii). Abortion and Selective Reduction
This is one of the most crucial areas in matching surrogates and intended parents. It is imperative to do everything possible to make sure all parties are in total agreement on serious decisions like selective reduction and termination of a pregnancy.
(viii). Payment of Prenatal and Birth Expenses
The agreement will provide that the Intended Parents pay for all out-of-pocket medical expenses of the surrogate. Sometimes the contract provides that the surrogate will be paid a monthly allowance of approximately $200 which will be used to cover co- pays, mileage, and other miscellaneous expenses.
(viv). Compensation
Every agreement should contain a statement that any payment to the gestational surrogate is not payment for the child him or herself, as the child commodification (or baby-buying) is illegal in every state in the United States. Payment provisions should specify the exact amount of payments being made, whether they are contingent on certain events and when each payment will be earned. For a compensated arrangement, the gestational surrogate will often be entitled to base compensation, which is a set fee the gestational surrogate will earn for attempting to carry the child to term. Most agreements provide ten (10) equal monthly payments, commencing at fetal heartbeat and ending at delivery.
Q: What happens if we are using a donor egg or donor sperm?
A: For individuals and couples deciding to have children, sperm donation, egg donation and surrogacy are increasingly popular options. These methods are an effective way to create a family, but certain legal implications need to be understood.
In most cases, when an anonymous sperm or egg donor donates their gametes to an egg or sperm bank, or directly to an IVF clinic, they sign a form releasing them from any parental rights or responsibilities for any child born through their donation. Therefore, when you receive anonymous sperm or eggs from a clinic or gamete bank, the legalities are usually taken care of.
However, if you want to use an egg or sperm donor that you know or one selected by you through a matching entity, you will need to enter into an egg or sperm donation agreement. These agreements are essential because they establish the parties’ intentions and expectations with respect to the donation and, depending on your individual circumstances, the agreement will be important to obtaining a court order securing your legal relationship to your child.
Q: What is second parent adoption?
A: “Second-parent adoption” is when a parent who is not biologically related to the child adopts the child in order to establish or confirm legal parentage. This ensures the parental rights of the non-biological parent are recognized regardless of where the family travels or resides. LGBTQ parents cannot currently rely on recognition of their adult relationships (e.g. marital, civil union or domestic partnership presumptions) as the basis for recognition of their relationships with their children.
“Second-parent adoption” is when a parent who is not biologically related to the child adopts the child in order to establish or confirm legal parentage. The second-parent adoption procedure ensures that the parental rights of the non-biological parent are recognized regardless of where the family travels or resides. LGBTQ parents cannot currently rely on recognition of their adult relationships (e.g. marital, civil union or domestic partnership presumptions) as the basis for recognition of their relationships with their children. Second-parent adoption in Illinois is a very efficient and cost-effective way for parents to establish an independent legal relationship with his or her child that does not depend on recognition of her/his relationship with her/his spouse/partner.